The Unger Report: Exploring The Darker Side Of Tweets And Twitter

This demands to be shared. At three and a half minutes long, it’s quite possibly the best commentary I’ve heard, ever.

The Unger Report, by Brian Unger. Exploring The Darker Side Of Tweets And Twitter Click “Listen Now”

Out of pure love and admiration, I transcribed the entire piece, but you should really listen to it. Reading it doesn’t do it any justice. I repeat, click the link above and listen to it.

To understand Twitter, we’ll use this ‘How to Twitter’ instuction manual. Let’s get started.

First, ask yourself this question:

So, what are you doing?

Then, stop there. When you ask yourself the question, just answer ‘nobody cares.’ Let this be your starting point on Twitter.

Let’s review:

What are you doing?

Nobody cares. See? It’s simple. And now you’re done Twittering without having typed a single word.

But shutting down the impulse to Twitter is not as easy as it seems, given this underlying, self-centered, narcissistic, Twittering belief:

Unfortunately, most of our day-to-day lives are hidden from people that care.

There’s that word ‘care’ again. Most people are surprised to learn that friends don’t care when you’re showering, gardening or working out. There’s a good reason these activities are hidden. Because they’re boring. And nobody cares. But,

What about people that want to know about the little things that happen in your life?

These people are lying about caring. If they do care about the little things in your life, simply cut them out of your life, like a suspicious mole on your skin. Still feel like Twittering? Let’s use this example:

Meet Carla. She’s addicted to her mobile phone, reads blogs everyday, and has contacts all over the world.

Carla’s talking to those contacts and reading blogs while she’s driving. Carla needs to be arrested and jailed for a night in a holding cell filled with dangerous criminals. This will help the rest of us get to where we’re going without Carla slowing traffic.

After a night in jail, Carla still wants to Twitter. So, she goes to Twitter.com looking for friends.

After finding a few, she clicked ‘follow.’

It’s like stalking someone, but without the inconvenience of sitting in a car, outside their house, on a cold rainy night, with a loaded gun in your lap.

Within hours, she began to see a different side of people she chose to follow.

And began to develop dillusions of unrequited love, resulting in anger and jealousy.

The little messages from Twitter painted a picture of her friends that she’d never seen before.

Like the fact that they had relationships with real three-dimensional people.

It was the real world. Her friends followed her updates and learned that she recently discovered a passion for Van-Halen!

And the mashed potatoes inside the mental institution where she now lives, to stop her from blogging while driving, stalking people, and most of all, talking to herself out loud, also known as ‘Twittering.’

So, what are you doing?

Today’s Unger report. I’m Brian Unger.